Well, it's online now. Even if it's bare basics. We'll get some more pages and figure out a better flow for each post to be it's own little element. But as of now, this is enough. I got rid of all the pre-built templates. For now at least. As I add things like a media diary, shrine, and collections I will add more css elements and a home page for easier navigation.
On to the diary! Today is Saturday, my first day off after my first full week at the new job. It's going well, but I am tired. That's nothing new. Neither is me ignoring my teeth - my depression's first victim is my oral hygiene. I have to get to the dentist before this summer. Can't be a hot girl with rotting teeth.
I have already spent most my paycheck. To be fair it was small. And now the paper wants to interview me about using those damn cash advance apps. I should have known it'd be bad to admit to using them, if anyone wants to dig in to my finances for real I don't want to explain my abysmall situation. But the Colorado Legistlature is apparently about to pass a bill allowing them to be even more predatory, so I do feel a sort of civic duty to speak up. Maybe it can help some other people.
Still smoking too weed, by any real standards. But less than I was when I was just rotting in bed, mourning my dog Huckleberry and the life I never got going while he was still alive. Don't get me wrong, we had good times over our 12 years together. But I regret a lot of time wasted while he was physically here. I keep having dreams about him, which are lovely but sad.
Still not posting what I want on TikTok. Still getting too drunk when I do drink. Still not keeping my house clean. Still ordering too much delivery and eating out too often. But I do feel like I'm doing better. And that's great, right? Right.
It's been a week since I started my new job at the café that is, quite literally, outside my apartment window. I'm a "day laborer" but I like to think that I'm more of a groundskeeper and general handyman. So far I have cleared out some tree trunks, shoveling and hauling and then shoveling again at least 120 cubic feet of dirt. But I've also had the chance to do some decorating and help out with keeping the block free from litter, which I've enjoyed.
I was working at a "hot new hotel" in town. It was a sinking ship. I got off with some of the last life boats, from what I hear. Nice to know a place fell apart after you left. But I've been in another one of my Gloomy Periods this winter. I didn't take advantage of my time off. I scrolled youtube for hours, barely even watching just finding new things to add to a never ending playlist. Made $80 from tiktok, humiliating myself in front of the masses. Why is it the sad girl shit that goes viral?
This is my first attempt at making my own site from pure scratch. Or as scratch as any good coder makes things. I'd like it to not just be a copy-paste of a bunch of other's works. I want to create things again. I used to be an actor, constatnly on stage and collaborating. I miss that aspect, I have attention whenver I want it sadly.
This is a straight up diary style blog. I will just be coming to write down my current mood and the state of my day. Today I helped The Bookkeeper move a bunch of boxes full of papers to a storage unit. Like, hundreds. Still, easier work than digging and hauling dirt. Or working in a place where everyone wants you to be as miserable as they are. I finished Wind and Truth yesterday, started Buffalo Hunter Hunter. I've been catching up on Jujutsu Kaisen Season 3.
Still not cooking enough at home. It's hard because I don't eat at the start of my day. I do have a spliff or two and a coffee though. And that's just kind of how my day goes from there. Staying stoned, eventually sleeping. Ordering some food that at best is kind of healthy, but overpriced. I keep wanting to write or record more videos. But then I get high and don't.
Don't want to die, but I don't feel like I'm living. Too much LSD and high level thinking will do that to you. And now with WWIII a looming possibility, again...
It's cliché, but clichés are true for a reason: queer joy is an affront ot fascism.