The Big Gay Blog of a Big Gay Jack

8th of May, 2026

Today's Jam: Do As Infinity, "Fukai Mori"

Long time, no post. I passed my drug test for Antarctica! Can't believe it. Now, to fix my teeth, pass the physical, and get through an elevated background check. Not that hard, but it does require focus. I'm getting nervous, but that's natural. I've been such a hermit for the last 5 years. I've been kind of a sad sack. I need to get out at night more, but that requires taking better advantage of my days.

I did that thing again where my apartment's gone to shit. I don't go out because what if I want to invite someone home? Not that that happens with any great frequency. But the anxiety always has a reason to stop me from meeting new people. It doesn't help that I met a very handsome and interesting man. He asked for my number, told me we should hang out, and has since gone silent every time we text and I try to make a date. So that was fun.

I need to just focus on getting to The Ice. That's what the cool explorers call it. I can't wait, but it is daunting. I am hoping that the next few weeks can go quickly, but that's only if I can actually get this stuff done. I know I can. I have some intense ADHD, but getting that under control is part of the exercise.

I want to get back in to working out. That definitely helped with the confidence and depression. And writing. This blog helps, but I need to get back in to the CSS. The layout is so ugly, and I want to learn myself how to get at least the basics done. I know I could just copy paste a template, but where's the fun in that?

There's a narcissistic part of me that thinks the world will fall apart before I can leave for my trip in October. I think part of why I stopped making plans was how uncomfortable the guilt makes me. Insane, I know. But the rational part of my brain is so weak. May as well mention it now: we're coming up on the 5th anniversary (I think?) of a bad car crash I was in. I'll save the details, but it was a year of surgeries and recovery and misery. I have been reckoning with how it shaped my life the last few years. I wanted to ignore it but it's becoming clear as I try to prepare mentally for this expedition that I have baggage weighing me down. Especially after losing Huck, my dog who miraculously survived the crash.

To live in the underworld and return to Earth is so strange. I've felt like a ghost, haunting the life I used to live. Friends have left, afraid of my newfound appreciation of mortality. Jobs feel mundane at best, soul draining distractions at worst. But this new journey feels right. Profound and trajectory altering. That's exciting, but it's bound to be a little intimidating. Even if I was as strong as I once was. I can work on getting stronger now though. I feel a newfound sense of purpose. It's a heavy coat but one I want to grow in to.

10th of April, 2026

Today's Jam: Bobby Adams "What A Mess" 1961

I think the most notable, perhaps only, notable event of the last 9 days has been hearing back From my application to the kitchen at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. To be fair, that's a pretty cool note. I had put in an application for their Lead Baker position when I was in between jobs, I think back in January. I guess it takes a while to process, but I've made it through to the round where someone actually looks at my application to decided if I get an interview. Fingers crossed!

I haven't stopped smoking weed yet - it's a drug tested position. Which is I guess is fair. I view them as proving you can stop smoking weed for a given period of time. Which...frankly I haven't historically been able to do. But I do intend to start weaning myself off now and quitting by the end of this month. I figure it will take them at least another month or two to get the ball really rolling.

What it has made me realize is that I'd love to go travel around doing some more extreme jobs. Like, in the wilderness but comfortable. Caretaking a mountain home, cooking at a ranch, traveling would be great but I'm not sure what kind of jobs there are for that.

On a related note, I'm struggling through Torrey Peters' amazing "Stag Dance." The stories are gorgeous, but they are way to relatable to a 6'4", 210 lb, queer man with a lot of gender issues. Painting my nails helps. I have like half the eponymous story left. I plan to work tomorrow, prepping for a big party I can't wait to not attend. My boss is so incompentent. This week he told me to "be sure to mix vinegar in that windex." Which at best would make both ingredients innert. At worse, it'd make chlorine gas.

It's a shame, if they'd let me I could instantly improve the functioning of that place. But that doesn't seem to be something they care about. I hope to be able to divorce myself of this place soon. I feel a clean break coming. Denver as a home base. But I am ready to begin roaming. I want to see the world again. I am very lucky, I have seeen a lot more of this planet than a lot of people. But I haven't left the country in 16 years. I haven't left Colorado...I think it may have been years now. I haven't left Denver in just as long. At some point "I don't have a car" stops being an excuse.

But it's a Friday night, I have an apartment that reflects my weaning off of Zoloft. There's can's of sparkling water and iced lattes scattered like tombstones across all the counters in my kitchen. Dirty dishes, not quite as severe as last week, await. There's a new Sarah Z, and I'd like to take advantage of my general happiness right now.

1st of April, 2026

Today's Jam: Aldous Harding "The Barrel" 2019

Well, no April Fool's but ya girl Big Gay Jack.

I've kept the new job! But my new boss is...difficult. He is one of those people who always has an excuse, not a reason. He's trying to make a pizza menu. His dough is frozen and store bought and his pizza sad. But of course each note I had, there was a reason I was wrong. Cool, bro - I just have 10 years of experience as a pastry chef, what the fuck do I know. Every time I say, "hey, I think we should do x" it's immediately "no, we can't do x we do y" despite that fact that x is correct and y is in fact against water codes. He literally was arguing with the directions on a bottle I was holding. When I showed him, he said "oh, well we must have gotten a new one."

But enough of that, WWIII is brewing! My downstairs neighbor was murdered! I haven't had nicotine in 10 days!

What a dump, I know. WWIII, well you can google that. My neighbor - I have been through a lot of grief already so forgive me if I vent flippantly here. I didn't know here very well, but her dog is incredibly sweet. A small grace is that the dog is ok and with her sister now. We are still waiting for more info on the detectives' person of interest, but it's been...heavy. And well, it was my mom's birthday 10 days ago and it felt like a good time to quit.

A big part of that is also that I started smoking in earnest when I was 17. This year I'm still 34 for the first half. I've always like quitting at 34. "I was a smoker half my life, then I quit." I've had one cigarette, to be fair. It's been rough. But at least it was just one, and one I bummed at that. I miss it but I just need to find a new habit.

Still smoking too much weed. Not cleaning my apartment well or frequently enough. But I have been reading more. And I got out to see Project Hail Mary which, yeah it lives up to the hype y'all. See it on as big a screen as possible. "Fist my bump." XOXO

I really wish I could figure out what I want to "do." Work out? Code? That's really hard, especially given that I don't really have a laptop. It's screen broke a while a go. It's plugged in to my tv and I feel like a real hardcore hacker/coder. But it still feels like putting the cart before the horse. Which is dumb. I want to get in to css this weekend! Make this thing look cuter. And I want to set up a "Thought's" page for more...idk scholarly posts? Musings and Maxims. I need to get a car and get in a course somewhere. Oh! I'm going to fill out my background check for the homeless shelter - I volunteered to do some meal shifts. After my neighbor, I've felt a compulsion to do some sort of good. But again, my boss annoys me and my job is hard so sometimes it's just saving some lady bugs from a fountain at work then coming home to get high and scroll tiktok. Boy, it feels so strange to be so connected to so many but also so lonely.

My ex went off the deep end this weekend, basically used me to piss off his almost-husband. Just realized that's what he did too lol. He called me like 3 times. I called him back an hour or so later, and he put me on speakerphone. His Todd said "who the fuck is that?!?" and "how many times have you fucked Bert huh?" I knew we were having an emotional affair of sorts - Bert is never really "just friends" with people he wants to fuck. And we do still have chemistry. But it's tough. He's clearly not done things to better himself since we split. I can't say I'm much better, but I do feel like I'm happier at least. And trying. He seems to be doing the same toxing things. And I definitely like to remember around the abuse he inflicted on me. It was mostly emotional, but alas it all still fades away when I think of how he's the only man who's said told me "I love you." Even if it was like twice over the course of 2 years.

I will keep reading, keep watching, keep listening to new and exciting things. Revisiting old favorites, exploring new releases, and diving in to the classics. A Jack of All Trades xoxo. I've been getting really in to Hermits. I want to be one. I want to write my book about me being one. The Big Lebowski meets Girls. There we go, that's the point.